Eric P. Butts

Career Coach. Management Consultant. Writer. Marketer. Accountant.

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Fatherhood Friday: 10 Reasons You Should Be Happy When Your Kids Act Like Jerks

kids being jerks can be a good thing
Let’s be honest.

Sometimes kids can be real jerks.

Unfortunately for us, these Mr. Hyde moments usually come at the most inopportune times. A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I thought it’d be fun to take the kids out to lunch with my sister-in-law.

Good idea. Wrong day.

From the time we sat down, my son couldn’t keep his hands to himself, making my daughter scream by pretending to poke her with his fork and growling like a wild animal. Oddly enough, she still didn’t want my wife or me to sit between them for a good 30 minutes. Once she finally had enough of his mess, that’s when things got interesting.

Once he realized the jig was up and he would be moving out of arm’s reach of big sister, he began a full meltdown, partly because he thought his food wasn’t moving with him and partly because the fun of poking at his sister had come to an end. Reuniting him with his pancakes bought us a few more minutes but he wasn’t quite done….but our lunch certainly was.
As most parents do, we know the signs for needing to make a quick get away, but considering my son doesn’t always exercise full control of his bladder, we had to take a detour for potty time. He took this as his cue to scream bloody murder, much to the chagrin of my wife. I wasn’t mad at him thought. I was actually glad he was being a jerk, and I have ten reasons you should be glad when your kids act like jerks too!
#10 It makes you appreciate your parents because odds are you were the same little jerk when you were growing up and they didn’t throw you to the wolves.
#9 It lets you know who your real friends are. Nothing highlights who your real friends are like a good meltdown. If one of your “associates” judges you in this time of need, time to cut him/her loose. No questions asked.
#8 It makes your significant other will forget about that pet he/she wanted to get you so YOU could do all the work taking care of it. Who needs another life to be responsible for when it’s taking everything you’ve got not to end the life of the little one in question.
#7 It builds your patience. Nothing worth having is easy, right? Or something like that.
#6 It makes you grateful for the little things, like when someone else’s kid is the one having an epic tantrum in the middle of the street.
#5 It also makes you compassionate for the victim of that epic tantrum instead of the assuming look you would have given in your previous life.
#4 It keeps you from having another kid…the world is overpopulated.
#3 It keeps you from having another kid…your house is overpopulated.
#2 It makes for some funny pictures. This guy knows all about it. You have to at least get a little entertainment out these situations.
#1 It makes for a damn good story!
What would you add to the list? I bet there’s more than a couple of people that would add it makes you appreciate having that other job to go to for a few hours every day.  You may also think I’m just delirious from the lack of sleep? Either way, let me know in the comments! 

photo credit: Liberty Photos via photopin cc

This post originally appeared on Ask a Great Dad.  

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Surprise Parenting Advice From a Flight Attendant

photo credit: Cult Gigolo via photopin cc

My wife and I just got back from a weekend in California visiting our old high school (Thacher) for alumni day. This time we went without either of the kids and it was a powerful reminder of what we want to prioritize for our family. We got the chance to re-connect with old friends and further connect with a new friend (+Bruce Sallan).  My wife and I left after the weekend feeling refreshed. We missed the kids but this was our first weekend actually going away together since our honeymoon almost seven years ago. We’ve had a few date nights scattered here and there but nothing like this. We squeezed in so much, it felt like we had been gone much longer than we were, the sign of a trip well done.

As we were getting ready to take off, I started to think…taking an adult vacation for mom and dad is a lot like the instructions the flight attendant was giving on use of the oxygen masks. Think about it:

“Secure your mask before helping others”

The whole point behind this guidance is that you’ll be much better equipped to support those around you if you take care of yourself first. The same principle applies to parents taking a break…TOGETHER. Taking some time out to recharge, relax, reconnect with your significant other, or whatever it is that makes you feel like you’re ready to take on the world is priceless, especially if you have children. Happier parents make for happier children and a happier family. So we committed that once a year we’ll take the time to go back to Ojai for a weekend and refocus on the things that are most important in our life. It won’t be the most lavish of vacations but nothing could give a better return on our investment. After all, this is the place where we first met almost sixteen years ago!

How are you making sure you help yourself before trying to help your kids?

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Love the Players, Hate the Game

photo credit: F.Pamplona via photopin cc

I feel awful – my left wrist is throbbing in pain and my right finger has temporarily (I hope) lost full range of motion. Not to mention the abrasions I have on my shins, elbows, and a few other random places. Based on that description and the slight limp to my walk, you’d think that I got mugged on the way home from work, but no. Not only did I volunteer for this punishment, but keep coming back for more every Monday. That’s right – I’m in an indoor soccer league. Our team isn’t very good (tonight was our fourth game in a row losing by more than ten goals). In fact, prior to joining this league, I hadn’t played soccer in ten years, and some of the other team members had never played in their lives…but …read the entire post here.

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My Daughter Says I’m a Good Fixer

Lego Construction
Lots of dads work a “second shift” too

Many people hold the belief that your career can ruin your family life. Particularly in the career of a management consultant, all the time on the road creates a disconnect and possibly resentment from the rest of the family.  The spouse harbors some negative feelings as a result of taking care of the kids, and the kids feel like you’re never around. At least that’s some of the thinking I’ve heard shared by others. The problem isn’t the job, though – it’s YOU.

The first issue is the mindset of thinking you have *a* job. Those of us with families, especially if there are children involved, have multiple jobs. Example: when people ask me for one line about myself, I often respond with “my daughter says I’m a good fixer.” Not only is that another job, but one could argue it’s more important than the one that brings in the paycheck. If I don’t do it, who will?

Just last week, we had one of the tougher weeks than we’ve had in a while with me traveling. I didn’t have to travel during the week of Thanksgiving, and the next week I was gone from Monday 4am until 2AM Saturday morning. Did that exempt me from getting up with the little people at 6AM? Nope, because that’s another one of my jobs, but let me go back to being the “fixer” of the house.

No idea why everything comes in so many pieces these days

In case you don’t know, Hanukkah is early this year (starts December 8), which means lots of presents. This year, one such present came with “some” assembly required. On Sunday (December 2 if you’re keeping score), my wife informed me that she wanted me to work on our daughter’s first Hanukkah gift in case we needed to order any replacement parts before giving it to her. Extra credit if you know what it is just from the picture! If not, you’ll see when you scroll down. The photo here doesn’t really do the task justice, but you can see there’s a pile of stuff that needed to be meshed together somehow to create . For the curious who may be wondering if I did this alone, the answer depends on what you mean by alone. My wife was in the room, but she strategically placed herself on the bed to listen to the holiday music that was playing..and nothing more. Had she not done that, who else would’ve been able to wait until I spent an hour doing one step before realizing it was WRONG? All kidding aside, it’s true she wasn’t all that helpful but I appreciated just having the time in the same room together because we don’t get it that often.

Six hours later, on a Sunday night (i.e. the day before travel), this monster of a construction project was finally done – a massive Barbie dollhouse.

Six hours later!

There are a couple of points I want to make about this situation and how I think a person who’s job “ruined” his/her family would handle it:

  1. On Saturday morning – I’m too tired to get up with the kids. You deal with them.
  2. On Sunday evening – I need some time to unwind and get ready for travel this week

Either of these responses more than likely would’ve have resulted in a less-than-desirable discussion with my wife. Both have a key thing in common – I. Neither takes into account the overall benefit to the family. This approach makes no sense because I doubt you can find a person who isn’t happier when his/her family is happy, regardless of how much sleep it costs or how many times you have to re-do the roof of Barbie’s dreamhouse.

The toughest part of this whole thing was figuring out where to hide the thing for a week once it was built. We ended up putting it in our closet (see below). I’m going to see if I can get the video footage of her face when this is unveiled, because THAT is why I do the other job that brings in the paycheck.
Now we wait

 Lego photo credit: Anssi Koskinen via Flickr Creative Commons

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Stop Taking Crap Majors in College

all majors aren't created equal
This is where crap majors get you after college

There is an epidemic upon us and it is one that is being perpetuated by people, especially parents, who do not understand the implications of their actions. I’m talking about students all over the country continuing to major in CRAP in college. When I make this statement, people generally respond in one of two ways.

“Everyone doesn’t have to be a businessman like you”

I would never suggest that everyone has to progress in their career exactly like I did. I only ask that people make decisions using sound logic…take a pragmatic approach to life. It pains me to watch people suffer easily avoidable missteps.

“I’m offended! My child is very smart!”

Listen…I’m not suggesting your child or loved one lacks intelligence. What I’m saying is that your smart child will be in the “non-employment” line and living back in your house because s/he got a degree in something that carries minimal value in the “real world” or s/he decided to get a degree that lends itself to graduate school but has not intentions of going to graduate school.

Studying What You Love is For People With Money (lots of it)

I’m all for studying what you love in college and all that good stuff, but while you’re doing that, you should consider double majoring in something (did someone say accounting?) that will keep you gainfully employed once your four years of fun are up. The fact is that most students don’t come from the type of wealth where they can afford to be unemployed after making such a significant investment in college education.

Disagree? Prove me wrong in the comments.

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5 Ways To Make Management Consultant Travel Work For Your Family

consultant travel can be good
photo credit: Susana Fernandez

You ever met a management consultant or some other crazy person who travels 300+ days per year? It kind of makes you wonder how they have time to have a life. Yes, some of us do have lives outside of the job. The thing you have to get comfortable with if you’re going into a job which requires this time of travel is “having a life” has to look a little different than the life what your friends working industry jobs experience. When you have a family where one of the parents is on the road four days every week, it’s no easy task for anyone involved. There are some things, though, that make the time apart a bit more bearable. I’ll give you five quick tips now in no particular order.

The Parent Who Isn’t a Consultant Stays Home Full-time

This may not always be realistic, but when you have young children as I do, it significantly reduces stress to know that your other half is the one looking after your kids. There are some good daycare programs out there and probably some better nannies, but nobody loves your babies like you do. When your mind isn’t stressed about home, you’re also more productive at work. Win-win. Additionally, if you are in a profession where your assignments are project-based with small, gaps of downtime during the year, it allows the family to take advantage of impromptu vacations. If you roll off of a project unexpectedly, you can have a mini vacation or “staycation” if you’d rather spend your time off getting reacquainted with your bed.

The Parent Who is The Consultant Takes the Kids to School and Picks Them Up on Fridays

If you’re able to work from home on Fridays, do whatever you can to drop the kids off at school or pick them up. It doesn’t take much effort and it means the world to them. You’ll also find that it means the world to you. There’s nothing like having your precious little one running to you with open arms. It never gets old.

Video Chat With The Family as Much as Possible

Even if it’s just for 15 min in the morning or 15 min before bed, I promise you this will make your whole day. In fact, it will make EVERYONE’s day. It gives you that recharge you need to feel like you can withstand (almost) anything work can throw at you. If I had to order this list, this one would probably be at the top.

Take Turns With Your Other Half Doing Your Own Things for Fun

The parent responsible for the day-to-day care of the children most likely is taxed from the week and feels like he/she needs a bit of a reprieve when you get home…give it to him/her. It doesn’t need to be an all day event, just an hour or two will provide plenty of relief. It’s an unwritten rule at my house that bedtime and first line of defense from the kids in the mornings are my job. That gives my wife at least another hour buffer to get rest somewhat peacefully. You can also offer to watch the kids while your significant other decompresses with a workout or something else where they don’t have to listen to 3-foot dictators barking orders at the top of their lungs.  Just making the offer goes a long way in boosting morale. While you need to look out for your other half, taking care of yourself is equally important. Being on the road for work has some perks, but it’s still work. Make sure you take some time to read, go to the gym, hit a few golf balls, or whatever is you do to unwind. It’ll help keep you balanced.

Do Family Errands

Time is precious so once you’ve had your fun, do the family errands together. It may take a little longer to get done, but what else you were going to do? You’ve already done something fun for yourself and you shouldn’t be working, so there’s really no excuse, right? I realize you might not always want to chase the little monsters up and down the aisles of Costco on a Sunday morning, but they’re yours and you love them, and they miss you, so make it happen.

 

Even if it’s one of these kind of days…

Push through even if it’s one of these kinds of days

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Is Missy Franklin Making the Right Decision?

 I just came across this Forbe’s article on one of our young gold medal women’s swimmers, Missy Franklin. According to Forbes, Missy is on the verge of bypassing millions of dollars in earnings to retain her amateur status and compete in NCAA competition.

I’m all for pursuing your dreams, but I seriously hope someone…anyone… is providing her all of the context on how the “real world” operates, especially in the world of fickle sports fans.  Comments such as “the money will be there in 4 years” and “she’s going to be the best swimmer in the world in 2014” are doing her no favors. Operating under the assumption that she can come back to this opportunity 2 or 4 years from now is a dangerous game to play. I’ve found firsthand that guarantees in life are few and far between, so it’s best to capitalize on opportunities when they are presented.

This issue is not “black and white,” and I know as parents,we want to make every dream come true for our children, many times at a cost that others might not understand, but is there a boundary to this? At some point, we have to guide (and sometimes push) our children to make the most practical decision, right?

Missy is nearly an adult in the eyes of the law (17 years old) and ultimately should be allowed to make her own decisions, going against whatever conventions she likes and learning life lessons on her own, but I cannot shake the feeling that this move is fiscally irresponsible. I’m truly hoping opportunity knocks again and that this story ends with Missy living happily ever after.

What would you do/say if it were your daughter?

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“I’m So Glad You Came Over!”

Over the last few weeks, I’ve partaken in several discussion about women “having it all” in the working world, which was jump-started by an article, written by Anne-Marie Slaughter, which you can find in its entirety here: “Why Women Still Can’t Have it All.” In the article, Anne Marie shares her experiences trying to deal with some of the issues that women face in balancing professional lives and family. It is a long read, but an insightful one. While I fully agree with the majority of Slaughter’s points, I couldn’t help but to think that the article was written in such a way that it implies that men don’t really face the same issue.

It wasn’t long before I started seeing responses, rebuttals and posts supporting Slaughter’s article all over Twitter and Facebook. One particular response caught my attention, “Men Never Had It All,” written by Toure (@Toure). He goes on to describe the work-life dilemma from a father and husband’s perspective, which resonated even more with me as the sold breadwinner for my family. Towards the end, I got a chill when reading the beginning of his closing paragraph:

“Men are more likely than women to choose work at a cost to family. Perhaps they suffer less emotionally over that, but there’s still pain there. We just push the feelings down and don’t complain.”

This is the absolute truth – I choose work because I have to…because my family needs me to do it, and I know many others in a similar position.When I hear that my daughter has been crying saying, “I miss my daddy,” it makes me wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Am I so focused on my family not growing up poor like I did that I’m missing more important things? Not sure, and my answer will probably vary depending on the day.

So you might be wondering what any of this has to do with the title of this post.  As a consultant, this work-life struggle is amplified because I am physically away from my family 4 days a week for most weeks during the year. I’ve come to accept the fact that some days I won’t get to speak with my wife through text, and I may not speak to my kids at all.  I’ve accepted that I chose to take on this demanding career to secure a financial future for my children that I never had. And just when I think my 4-year old understands that Daddy is away working, and I’ve convinced myself that I’m doing the right thing for our family as a whole, I come home from Boston, my daughter greets me with a running hug and says, “I’m so glad you came over!”

That is the pain that Toure is talking about in the quote above. I know that my daughter is young and that is her way of trying to express herself, but the pull at the heart I experienced in that moment lingers…Is this having it all? Is this the life I want more myself, my kids growing thinking their dad lives in Boston (or some other city) and doesn’t exist for 4 days every week? More importantly, I need to figure out if this is the life I want for them.